I don’t eat fast food. I’m large enough, and not being the litigious type, I figured its more efficient and cost-effective to just take a slab-o-lard and apply it directly to my hips with a spacking knife.

Actually, I don’t eat at such places simply because I can’t stand the food. For us non-vegans, we order a burger - but what do we get? Soy-filled gristle with a green piece of paper passing for lettuce, and some red gushy thing the size of a quarter that is supposed to be a slice of tomato and even though I tell’m to hold’m … pickles. Then they camouflage this culinary atrocity with Crisco-like mayonnaise, watery katsup and some yellow stuff that’s supposed to be mustard … only to insult me further by charging me 1.89 plus tax and then smashing it into the bottom of my bag … and NO, I don’t want fries with that order.

Which is why I said “big deal” when I read that Burger King had cut the price of their double cheeseburger to 99 cents (oh, that orange gluey substance was cheese … I thought it was some vinyl floor adhesive used to keep the top bun from sliding off the grease).

Hello, Burger King, McDonald’s … here’s a quote from GetAStinkingClue.com (not a real website) …

IT’S A QUALITY THING! Which is why the few times a year I do eat a burger, it is grilled to perfection over a combination of charcoal and wood, delicately placed on a seeded bun. Generously garnished with two slices of romaine lettus and several incredibly thinly slices pieces of a just perfect tomato (I like dozens of thin slices as to one big one). Some Grey Poupon and just a dab of the Heinz (my wife is from Pittsburgh, it’s all that is allowed in the house) … and viola!

Sure it was a pain to make, but at least it won’t be a pain going down and staying down.