Violence at Bene Diction Blogs On

Violence

I was 18 years old the last time my adoptive father hit me. I knew it was coming, because he went to the basement to get the two by four.

I was standing in the bathroom doorway when he swung. I went flying into the far wall.

It is what happened next that amazes me. Something deep inside came out of me….an adult decision. I was barely conscious, but something deeper than pain took hold. In a situation like that you tend to dissociate from the physical. I hadn’t and didn’t make a sound. I pulled myself into a sitting position, clamped my arms around my knees and looked him straight in the eye as he got ready to swing again. He froze. His blind rage subsided, fear shot through him, he began to shake, dropped the two by four and walked away.

We never got to talk about it. And that is my only regret.
I never hated the guy, never will, and I don’t feel sorry for myself.
As an adult, I know that growing up in less than optimum circumstances can have redemptive value. Yes, I had some grieving and some learning to do, but that whack with the two by four was definitely a defining moment.

I said I didn’t hate the guy. But I looked at him with a kind of hate that day.
I hated his brokeness, I hated that his choices were so horribly limited. I hated his pain, and I hated that I couldn’t help him. I will always hate rage and its stupid destruction.
I made a decision sitting on that floor to never let anyone hit me again. And no one has. I made a decision that day to never use physical violence. I haven’t.
I made a decision to allow God to teach me his fatherhood. He is.

Joe died several years ago. My family couldn’t find me, and a friend notified me and sent me air fare. I flew back to take my place at the funeral. I’ve never shed a tear, all I felt was relief for him, for myself, and for my siblings.
His pain is over, I’ll see him in heaven, complete and whole.

Like most people who grow up in non-functioning families I went into a crisis-oriented career, and went on to a rich and full life. I fought back different ways, made different choices, stepped more carefully and tried not to get my exercise jumping to conclusions.
I wonder what he saw in my eyes that day. I wonder if there is such a thing as holy hate?
Some day, in a safer place, I hope we can discuss it.

Published 5 years, 3 months ago

20 Responses to “Violence”

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1 Darryl Dash on Jun 18th, 2003 at 6:55 pm

Wow…
2 Jared WIlliams on Jun 18th, 2003 at 7:41 pm

yeah. wow…i’m completely speechless. just wish that conversation could take place in safety, now. not so i could participate, but so that i could just listen, like this, and learn.
3 dan on Jun 18th, 2003 at 8:50 pm

Thanks for the vulnerability and for sharing this
4 Bene Diction on Jun 18th, 2003 at 9:37 pm

I don’t think my circumstances are unique.
I think there are millions of us, which is precisely why I don’t feel vulernable ’sharing.’
I want others to know, that no matter what life throws our way, we don’t have to ‘define’ ourselves as victims. It can be a cheap and degrading mindset.
It takes time to get some distance and perspective…but that is one of the many gifts that life can give us. Blog on!
5 Dan on Jun 18th, 2003 at 10:43 pm

We have been given the capacity to do good as well as evil, the free will to choice either.

I don’t know what to say, except that I’m glad you shared this.
6 jeph on Jun 19th, 2003 at 12:59 am

Touching…and profound. I’m still waiting for the moment I can feel relieved for the man that raised me. But I feel it will be somewhat like what you said. Tearless, pain for the siblings, and a longing to see a more complete person…granted he makes it. I have a hard time imagining that, though.

Thanks. You made me think and question myself…and remember. Which is good…no matter what some may say.
7 Darren on Jun 19th, 2003 at 2:32 am

thanks Bene - once again your words have resonated, stimulated and touched us.
8 kitty on Jun 19th, 2003 at 5:54 am

thank you for sharing this ! You’re brave !
9 subtlebreeze on Jun 19th, 2003 at 7:11 am

can’t believe u had to go thru that…I don’t ever wish that to happen to anyone……yopu sure have inspired me
10 Jan on Jun 19th, 2003 at 7:39 am

Bene,
Thank you so much for this entry. After your comments to me and on Martin’s blog after some entries of mine in diary-x, I wondered at what might have been in your background that you could express your compassion and horror so strongly.

I haven’t been abused in that way but several times I think that is only because I removed myself quickly from the situation. Certainly there is ongoing abuse of several other kinds. Friends recognise it and so do I but not the perpetrator.

However, like you, I will no longer let myself be a victim. The recognition of that fact has led to puzzlement, to a suspicion of my motives and to a general “taking the wind out of the sails.”

Shalom,
Jan
11 doug on Jun 19th, 2003 at 7:48 am

Thanks, Bene. What a powerful reminder of the need for grace to maintain love’s integrity.
12 nubn on Jun 19th, 2003 at 9:44 am

wow! thank you for sharing…
13 Lee Anne Millinger on Jun 19th, 2003 at 10:11 am

Wow. Thank you for reminding us that we don’t have to be victims, that we are not defined by our past — by what we have done or what has been done to us. Thank you for calling our attention once again to the new life in Christ.
14 Mike on Jun 19th, 2003 at 10:16 am

Thnaks Bene. This is your story, and it’s very powerful. I love that you can tell it.
15 anonymous on Jun 19th, 2003 at 2:01 pm

we can choose not to be a victim but a survivor. i found that the most healing thing was to forgive my abuser - in the lines of loving the sinner but hating the sin.
i am saying this anonymously because it would hurt too many people still living if i were to go public. but i am glad that others have the strength and support to also become survivors.
16 Rich on Jun 19th, 2003 at 2:18 pm

Oh my heavens! I had no idea! That is amazing! What is even more amazing is the power of God that has sustained you to the point where you are now! It’s an incredible testimony!! Thanks for having the courage to share it.
17 Barry on Jun 19th, 2003 at 11:22 pm

I am awed by your courage and forgiveness. God has been at work in you and through you. Thanks for the witness to the hope that all of us can recover. Amen, Bene.
18 Debi on Jun 20th, 2003 at 7:21 am

Bene, I think that your other commenters have expressed my feelings fairly well, so I won’t go into that too much. I endured mental and verbal abuse more than physical, although there was some of that (by today’s standards). Although there is still healing left to be done, my father and I have at least delared peace. I still wait for his conversion day, though. Soon, I pray.
19 irene on Jun 20th, 2003 at 10:32 am

Bene, you are a testament to God’s grace and faithfulness! Thank you for sharing with us.
20 gordon on Mar 2nd, 2004 at 5:01 pm

Thank you for sending me the link to it. This story is as good evidence for God as there is. Someone got you through that and gave you the wisdom you have now.

love,