Awhile ago I received this email. I have no desire to identify the person or post the whole thing. Italics are where I blanked out anything that would cause this person or I further shame or wounds.
As for not being able to “do anything else for me” … how marvelously co-dependent of you. You who have engaged in a divisive back-channel email campaign against me and (blanked out). People have forwarded to me your correspondences, so there is no denying it.
You, who’s publicly played the part of the victim with great acrimony at the expense (blanked out). Its right there on (blanked out) blog, there’s no denying it.
You, who you defecate all over the people who care for you. And then when they cut you loose, you walk about with a martyr complex. When they call you on it, you attack them. I’ve received some information to confirm this, so there’s no denying this either.
The real problem is that you’re not willing to face the truth. You create chaos wherever you go, its how you stay in control. It is part of your dysfunction and something you need to come to terms with if you ever want to break free of your lonely nomadic existence.
This is a crisis entirely of your making.
(blanked out) because of your abuse and your threats. So either clean it up your mess or leave me alone and quit bad-mouthing me behind my back.
This came from a Christian. A fellow follower of Jesus Christ who knows scripture and uses it better than I ever could. He works hard in his church, job, volunteer organization and cares for his family.
Notice all the ‘you’ blame statements. Notice the anger, the hurt. Notice the conclusions believed and rationalized because of negative emotion and pride. Notice the cut-off of communication. Notice the sense of threat. Most of all, notice the fear, isolation and projections.
I’ve seen worse from God’s people in conflict with each other in churches, but I had never had anything like this directed at me this way online. I was reading Wanderings of a Post Modern Pilgrim and came across this:
A strength unchecked is a double weakness.
That is one of the important reasons for accountability partners, sponsors, coaches, mentors, even spouses. When we allow the things we do well to go without oversight by others, we become self-centered and the center of attention. It is easy to forget that we are doing this for God or others if we think we are able to do it ourselves.
Please don’t bad-mouth this believer in my comments section. Abuse like this comes from a wounded person who perceives their position as real.
And I think you know I don’t need pity from any of you reading this. The email speaks to the unresolved conflicts of the writer, not about me.
He is unable to give me opportunity to address his concerns, to listen, to ask for forgiveness where needed or give empathy; and after my initial anger, surprise and sadness, I was ok. I feel pity which isn’t useful for him, but gained a sense of direction on how to begin to pray for this man.
I couldn’t allow him continue his abuse. Toxic faith identifies some of the difficulties this emailer has to wrestle with:
Men are supposed to deny a different set of emotions. In our society big boys don’t cry. Without our grief and sadness, we can’t release our sense of violation. The pain and shame have no way of being processed. A common axiom is “that which cannot be processed is repressed.” We stumble though life without understanding our feelings, completely out of touch with our emotions. We are deeply grieved by our lost expectations and sense of inadequacy, but we don’t feel safe acknowledging our sadness.
We show our anger but never the deep hurt and sadness underneath it. When we feel sad, anger becomes a safe retreat. It causes the adrenaline to rush through us so the payoff is not just that we avoid looking week, but we also feel differently because of the chemicals pumped through our bodies. The more adrenaline we pump through anger, the less sadness we are forced to feel.
This lack of grieving is a poison to our existence. There is no biblical precedent for men not expressing openly their deepest hurts and sorrows.The Old Testament depicts many real men showing their real emotions. The men of Ireal would rip their clothes, sprinkle themselves with ashes, wear black arm bands and spend time in mourning and grief. They would wail before the Lord to process their sense of shame and pain. That extremely freeing experience allowed them to express their emotions to the full degree and then move on without the neeedless baggage of building negative feelings. Without the ability to ‘wail before the Lord,’ we are forced to repress our disappointments and sadness and find ways to compensate for these emotions by replacing them with others less threatening to express.
The unfortunate development of the aggressively virile American male is the result of a man’s unwillingness to grieve. The macho image is a defense against life and the possible situations of vulnerability to leave him open to be controlled or ridiculed by others. Macho men, without their grief, must find a way to gain power and control over their environment. They have a unique way of rationalizing and justifying their behaviour and violations of others.
…..Men driven to power by their anger are full of grief and sadness that are unfelt until a crisis or breakdown brings all these emotions to the surface.
It is incredible that so many men in our churches today are out of touch with their emotions when the Christ they say they follow was so in touch with his. Pages 110-111
How would you attempt to re-open communication to enable him believe he’d be heard with gentleness and respect? How would you pray for him?
How would you try show this Christian God’s love through in his anger, abuse, blaming, shame, grief and hurt without causing further violation of his panic of vulernability or feeding anger? How would you let him know his need for control and blaming also wounds and crushes others like me or you?
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How would you attempt to re-open communication to enable him believe he’d be heard with gentleness and respect?
I don’t think you do. Acknowledge your own grief and pain. Work on letting it go. When you’re at peace with yourself, then you can send an olive branch. Whether it’s accepted or not will not be your responsibility, but the sincerity with which it is sent will be. So don’t send it too early.
In the meanwhile, smile and … blog on!
BD - you are too kind. This individual is bent on destroying the safety of those around him. This can’t be fixed, at least not this side of eternity - short of a miracle of course. And while I believe in miracles, we also live in the real world. Miracles are in short supply.
Leave him to God, don’t try to fix it, move on. Your need to analyze and research is admirable and one of your best traits. This isn’t going to go into a neat psychological or spiritual slot, analyzing just prolongs your pain.
Frankly I don’t feel a bit sorry for the person. His sickness has locked you into a cycle of wanting to make it better and trying to understand, your wounds are still raw. Shake the dust off your feet. Your God-given mission is to a broader audience, a world of believers and non-believers and you have been gifted with wisdom, insight, knowledge and hope.
Your blog is a delightful mix of international believers and non-believers, all enjoying the dialogue and learning from each other. Let reconciliation go, it’s his loss.
Cricket
I’m often amazed at how much emphasis Jesus put on love as being THE point, and how much we’ve chosen to ignore that. We seem to think that if we’re right (in our own opinion), we can be as hurtful as we’d like.
So sad. I wish this were an unusual case. Sadly, it’s not. Keep going, Bene. You’re not alone.
I agree, I am not alone, far from it.
I think just about every church, every family, and most bloggers have had wounded people around.
Love is a decision.
And I think it has to be an informed decision.
Blog on!
Please don’t bad-mouth this believer in my comments section. Abuse like this comes from a wounded person who perceives their position as real.
That or perhaps the wounded person’s position actually is real.
But see, I don’t know if their position is or isn’t real because you’ve given scanty information. It’s understandable, of course, that you would give scanty information. However, I would question why you’re bringing this discussion out into the public? If you have a problem with this person do you think things will be made better by a posting of a private email and hinting around at problems going on with this guy?
Assuming that the person reads your blog, I think the situation has probably been ruined beyond repair if they read this.
Pieter:
I think it is apparent this type of correspondance isn’t a discussion, and yes; out of self-respect and other-respect I will limit what I say.
It is ‘real’ to the sender and that is something anybody who receives this type of correspondence has to come to terms with.
I posted this to help others as I have been helped.
Boundaries can be hard sometimes.
Ownership of our own feelings, sin, personality, attitudes etc. can be painful.
Letting go of our ‘rights’ is a daily struggle.
Accountability begins with self, God and with true friends that aren’t afraid to say look at your own emotions, attitudes and ideas and motives. What does God require of you?
Jordon:
Yep.
Assuming (big assumption) they read this, they can make their own choice about what they think, feel, want, do.
I have no expectations, it took time to let those go.
For some of us confronted with broken relationships, that’s what mediators are for.
Bene, I agree with those who caution that nothing can be done right now to reconcile matters. I’ve learned, painfully, that there are some in the church who do not want reconcilation, or even see their need of it. The usual responsea are attempts to manage the fallout of their actions rather than asking them to account for them. In our zeal to “love the sinner” sin and its attendent behaviors rampage through the common life of a congregation and between its constituents. Monasitce communities have learned from hard experience that individuals who disrupt the community with their demands for control should be removed from the community. Local churches have much to learn from this. Past misuse of this is no reason for its disuse now.
Doug:
I agree with them also.
Given the monastic experience, it was right and proper then that I was the individual removed from the community because of my disruptiveness.
I actually have no problem with that premise.
I sinned, and for that there are consequences.
All you can do is let the person know you care about the relationship, yet keeping the boundaries clear. Their anger is their issue. Sometimes we just have to accept that this other person does not truly accept/like us. Maybe pray for the woundedness that causes this. Definately pray. = )
How about doing the Christian thing and not triangling the rest of us into your fight with the person who sent you the email? It’s between you two and it should stay between you two, not be posted for the rest of us to see.
Jen:
I’m not sure what assumptions you are making here.
Fighting isn’t what this post is about.
How is it not Christian to point out difficulties we face as believers in communicating?
And as for triangling, you’ve genuinely lost me.
If you would like to discuss this and help me understand where you are coming from, please email me. Blog on!
PS: Triangling is most often found in step-families, but can occur in other social situations if people chose.
One person unconsciously chooses the role of the Persecutor (”P”). S/He blames or criticizes the Victim (”V”) for something, causing the Rescuer (”R”) to defend the Victim. Roles can alternate.
Triangling occurs when the following comfort factors are not met: feeling respected, safe, and satisfied.
Thanks for your concern Jen, how does traingling apply to the point of this post?
I’m saying that you need to leave those who are not directly involved in this argument (i.e. everyone but you and the person who wrote the email) out of it because it really feels like you’re begging for sympathy and I know (since I’ve unfortunately had to watch you and the other person’s communication) that you’re only posting part of the story.
And for the record, triangling is when person A has a problem with person B but fails to work it out with person B. Instead… they go to person C and create a bigger chasm between them and person B. Person C distances themselves from person B. Your blogging audience is person C. If you’re pissed off at this person, that’s fine but don’t create a stink online. For those of us who know what’s going on, it’s irritating to watch.
And if you want to delete this comment, be my guest.
I’m sorry you are irritated Jen, and I have no intention of taking you up on your offer to delete you.
You are my guest, and I see no reason why your opinions and feelings wouldn’t be honoured.
You are most welcome to draw any conclusions you want to.
The only question I’d have about your ABC model is that singularizing a group (and to use my model - are you saying they are R?) doesn’t account for the wealth of wisdom, viewpoints and advantages of others. I don’t believe a P-V-R model is static in an individual or individuals. I think it can change in seconds. Do you think people are more complex than either/or? Blog on!