In March religious blogs and southern US media were buzzing with the story of a Tennessee minister’s wife, Mary Winkler, who confessed to killing her husband. It was a big story - 773 entries in Technorati, about 771 in Google News.
A couple of things really stood out – the shock of the town and church people, the speculation of why, bloggers hearing other bloggers say the denomination (Church of Christ) was like a sect. We read that they were such a perfect couple, perfect family, Matthew was such a perfect minister, son, athlete - she was the quiet helpful shy giver, mother and submissive wife…Christians don’t shoot Christians do they?
They were fighting over money. She may still think their financial difficulties were mostly her fault, which is what most verbally abused women think. Verbal abuse and bullying is wrong, unacceptable and damaging between spouses, in families and toward others. She told police that Matthew the perfect minister had…
“He had really been on me lately criticizing me for things — the way I walk, I eat, everything. It was just building up to a point. I was tired of it. I guess I got to a point and snapped,”
The blogger at Solyent Green is a minister. Perfect is such a lie, those of us who grew up in those perfect homes live our lives knowing how utterly deep and depraved those lies are. Some of us shake off the fear and chose trust. Others can’t, stay in abuse, stay in denial, try harder, or as in this extreme case snap and murder.
When our attempts to be thought strong, wise and noble become habitual, and we’ve successfully convinced ourselves of our maturity, the eventual result is a marginalizing and ostracizing those who are actually openly weak among us. We create a culture of fear so that openly admitting our weaknesses and foolishness becomes the scariest thing imaginable and appearing impenetrable is a desirable standard of holiness. And maybe our motives are good – we want unbelievers to see that Jesus really has changed us and we want other Christians to know that we really are saved and that we really do know God. But God is brutally honest about the fruit of wanting to be considered wise, strong and noble by others; and that fruit is precisely the mess we read about in stories like the one linked above.
Came across the story only through your blog. Quite shocking. What prompted the the supposedly ‘good’ woman to shoot her pastor-husband? Is it only a domestic fracas over finances or is there more to it? Is it a lack of prayer at home?
No, I am not trying to be judgemental. But the issue is certain to affect us one way or the other.
I don’t think you are being judgemental, he is dead, she is in custody charged with murder. The court will judge.
The issue certainly did affect the people in the region – I think expectations in some church environments can cause great harm. So can alcohol, gambling, drugs, finances and all kinds of things.
If you read about this family the expectation stressors where there for sure.
The fact she was a victim of a check kiting scheme is also chilling, if news reports are to be believed, she got conned. The shame and fear and inability to reach out for help is something I think all of us can identify with.
Thanks for posting honestly about the imperfections within all of us that can lead to such awful circumstances. I grew up in one of those “outstanding” Christian families. But behind closed doors it was awful. I wish that more churches would bring the good news to those within their own congregations who need to be helped. Salvation is more than just a ticket to a blissful eternity. It can mean some kind of dealing with the bad stuff in our lives today. I’ve been blogging about this stuff myself.
I went over and read some of your blog Al.
The courage you are showing by staying in therapy and dealing with the bad stuff is really something.
Therapy is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do in your life – but I can promise you, that although it is not a linear journey, and the measurements aren’t won in strides, it works. It took years for Romans 8:1 to connect with me, the relentless lies had rooted so strongly. It took years to begin to ‘know’ what Romans 12 was. Boundaries were a bewilderment. It took years to see the people of faith that did came alongside in love and healthiness and with healing, because I didn’t understand what what those things were. In my own case, I still fight panic sometimes, the difference is I’ve been given the tools to understand it and go through.
He never left me. He never failed me. He never made demands. He loved, cared for and brought those along side who who honoured my dignity and worth as a human being. He healed.
I wish churches saw it’s children – young or old – as worthy of safety, of care, of healing. Some do, more need to. It’s not God’s fault.
Thanks for sharing your journey, as you fight for your peace and your understanding of place, go under the mercy.