Although I continue to post here at the God’s Politics blog on occasion, and I believe in the power and potential of the blogosphere, I share my friends’ frustration with the kind of disrespectful dialogue that frequently ensues in the comments section of so many blogs. The majority want to have substantive and respectful dialogue, and they tolerate the static because they believe in the level playing field of the blogosphere. But the ambivalence is real.

…Misleading labels, name-calling, innuendo, insult, cynicism, deception, even flattery can find their way into any of our communication and add another straw to the overweighted camel of civility and mutual respect. (I’ve already edited out some of my own rhetorical descents in this piece, and I imagine I’ve still failed to live up to the ideal I’m espousing.)

Brian McLaren

I’ve followed the Sojourner’s blog since they went online. There was a time when the comments section plunged into a scrappy, talking-past, choked sewer. There are enough places online that happens, it appears lately they’ve been asking all participants to speak with self-respect and other respect. Perhaps some commenters got tired or banned. There are people who have been raised in fundamentalist environments that seem to reach an almost palpatable level of anxiety if they can’t ‘preach at’ people online. There are others whose egos are so huge, the internet is their veritable pride buffet.
The learned art of listening is so foreign for some, they speak what they know and how they’ve been talked at. It takes time for troll-whisperers to learn who the individuals are whose anger and anxiety just isn’t going away. McLaren is correct. Most people want substantive dialogue, what is hard for anyone who has a heart for people to learn is that some people are not ready or able. There are a mentally, emotionally ill, spiritually damaged people logging on, the internet is accessible and far safer than face to face. Computer experts, educators and law enforcement know the internet lowers inhibitions and boundaries for too many of us.
In five years of blogging I’ve banned one person. It wasn’t easy, looking back I wonder why I was unable to pick up the cues that lead me to that decision sooner. I twisted myself in knots, they are just fine. I know because I see him/her elsewhere, still speaking past others, pounding the fear of God into anyone in the comment section they jump into. Nothing and no one slows them down. It’s as if hell itself is driving an insatiable need to spill bible words and make the rest of us agree. We exist only as audience.
Having said that, I mess up, miss the mark, and need to learn and re-learn to communicate clearly and in love each time my blood pressure starts to rise. I am grateful for bloggers and readers that teach me by thier example, every time I hit connect.

10 ways to start

(1) Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to ourselves and others.

(2) Remember that all human beings have the same needs.

(3) Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.

(4) When asking someone to do something, check first to see if we are making a request or a demand.

(5) Instead of saying what we DON’T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.

(6) Instead of saying what we want someone to BE, say what action we’d like the person to take that we hope will help the person be that way.

(7) Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone’s opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.

(8) Instead of saying “No,” say what need of ours prevents us from saying “Yes.”

(9) If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what’s wrong with others or ourselves.

(10) Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met.