Stuff is still broke. It’s been broke for awhile and while it is just stuff, fixing it means finding qualified people, making sound decisions, paying for it and going through the frustrations any consumer goes through.

In the cascading series of events, I’d figured out I needed help. While I can break my arm patting myself on the back for troubleshooting, that doesn’t get the work done. Electricians are really really busy. The tech company I trust to give this reliable four year old computer some spit and polish seemed to have dropped off the map. That has bothered me, they are honest. Finding an honest tech company is no small thing. And yes, cost has been a bigger factor than I am prepared to admit to myself.

A backlogged electrician replaced the connector box over a week ago and told me to call if the phone and DSL didn’t work. Stuff held for a couple of days, and then went down again, which pointed toward the obvious.
Meantime I got a call from Bell Canada telling me they’d overcharged me on the phone bill and were refunding me a couple of dollars.

At the time that call struck me as hilarious.

I had a chat with a real person who doesn’t have to follow a script and said I’d be letting the company know sooner than later I was no longer a customer, thanks for the couple of dollars refund. I had it all laid out, A, check. B, check. C, check. D.
Oh. D.
If the honest tech company is no longer in business what are my options?

It’s been stressful. I felt it creeping up and in. Worry, fretting and mental gymnastics. A disproportionate sense of loss. I’ve had to fight not to snap at people. Sleep has been interrupted. Today was the kicker. I’d been trying to reach the electrician for a few days, and decided to call the chosen new ISP/phone company and ask the hard questions before signing on. I got a tech who didn’t have to follow a script. My questions got answered, and while I have to rely on the same infrastructure for awhile longer, at least the support, service and price is better than what I’ve been getting.

So I started the sign over process, which required the usual questions for a credit check.
That’s when I mentally tripped and stumbled. Internally crashed. Went down.
I don’t use credit. I live simply, stay out of debt, don’t use plastic. The questions while expected; hit me on the wrong emotional level. All of a sudden realizing a security deposit would probably be needed because I’m not on the normal expected radar screen of consumer, I felt oddly poor and insecure. I made it clear to the business office they’d have trouble calling to let me know if I was ‘approved’, start the switchover and I hung up.

This stuff has connections, or rather, I have connections to this stuff.
I’m beat.
I’m getting frustrated with being frustrated.
While it’s all fine and good to have a to do list, needing help from qualified people, asking for it and then waiting on them is hard. I like believing I’m self-reliant and I felt false shame. A rather huge wave of it I’m sorry to say. It was pity party time.

I did what I usually do, got up and walked away to collect my thoughts.
I call it going outside to stomp. It’s how I clear the clutter. It was pouring rain, I grabbed the raincoat and out I went, flooding with humiliation and shame for no sound reason, frustrated, self-questioning. Small.

It was raining sideways. About 10 seconds down the walkway, a very wet sparrow landed with a resounding thud a few feet away. I froze.
The sparrow family took up residence a few trees away late winter and this little one was caught in the sudden storm, flying into it to get to the safety of the home tree. He/she didn’t make it, and an exhausted soaked bird lay a few feet from me. There was only about 20 more feet to get to safety, but the bird was no match for the weather.

While I froze I spoke. I spoke from a place so deep inside me I didn’t realize right away I’d said it out loud let alone thought it.

“It’s okay, you’re almost there, God saw you fall. It’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you.”

The bird heard me before it saw me in the deluge and dragged itself under the nearest vine. I waited, the rain and wind were so heavy I couldn’t see if it had given itself a good shake and made it the last lap to home tree.

In those brief seconds what flashed through my mind was there are people, predators, all kinds of things that could have and would have hurt that bird. It’s small. The weather had caused a forced landing.
I just wanted that sparrow to find shelter from the storm.

I got good and wet, had my pity party, processed what I’d said to a sparrow.
Did God see the sparrow fall?
Jesus said it.

“But don’t be afraid of those who threaten you. For the time is coming when everything that is covered will be revealed, and all that is secret will be made known to all. What I tell you now in the darkness, shout abroad when daybreak comes. What I whisper in your ear, shout from the housetops for all to hear!

“Don’t be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell. What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.
“Everyone who acknowledges me publicly here on earth, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven. Matthew 10: 26-32 NLT

Do I really believe that?
I may feel like a bird forced to ground, do I believe He cares?
No way I’d hurt an exhausted sparrow in a storm but a sparrow doesn’t know that. The bird is hard wired to see me as just another threat, even if I’ve enjoyed our co-existence for months.
Do I believe God will give me the resources to get through my storms, even when self-inflicted?
Stuff. Shame. A sparrow. A storm.

Then it hit me. I saw that sparrow fall. I saw it.
God sees me, He knows me better than I do myself.
I do believe, help me with my unbelief.

About an hour later the sun came out. I headed back outdoors, wondering about that sparrow.
I don’t know if that sparrow is safe, I watched the sparrow clan in their home tree for awhile busy at the end of the home tree branches, fluffing, drying, soaking up the sun. And their song was sweet.

A few hours later the electrician called. Good. The phone and DSL cut out again. Okay. When the DSL came back on there was a hilarious message from the honest tech company. They’d been down, dealing with same things I’ve been faced with, things beyond their expert control also. They switched over to the same company I’m heading toward.
The message ended with, ‘how may I help you?
It felt great to laugh.

Yes, I know the processes were in place. That isn’t the point. The calls would have gotten through eventually, the stuff fixed, the bills paid. But I admit after stormy days and my consumer driven crash landing, I rather like the timing. That Whisper. It’s okay, I see.
The divine song taking flight.