Liz tells me she is doing okay, that the up side to her time at MM was gaining a better understanding of how a cult operates. (Definition of cult. The BITE model)
Mercy Ministries really pushed me away from Christianity. Emotionally it made me realize that there are people out there that just want to brain wash you to make you believe what they believe – the same as a cult would do. I do actually identify MM with a cult. Psychologically it really made me take a step back. When I first got out I was very depressed and thought about suicide which I hadn’t done in 9 months prior to the program.
Liz didn’t have the money for qualified treatment, Christian or otherwise. (Yes, there are qualified and balanced Christian counsellors available if you have the money to pay them)
In the US health care costs are beyond the reach of many people, and groups like Mercy Ministries fill the vacuum with a spiritual program and minimal standards (if any) of qualified medical and psychological care. It’s a one size fits all approach with an aggressive PR machine ready to crush dissent. The 23 thousand square foot Lincoln home cost 6 million dollars. Mercy Ministries has expanded to other countries, and uses a high powered religious celebrity/image driven marketing campaign in the US. After agreggious abuse, Australia managed to shut them down, but they continue to operate in the UK, Canada and New Zealand. Liz wants to see MM shut down in the US. It’s an admirable goal, but until young women have realistic access to qualified professionals, I don’t think it is going to happen. I encourage parents and daughters to be diligent, do their research and think long and hard before subjecting their daughters to this free fundamentalism.
The Lincoln, California home opened in October 2009. I arrived at the home on September 28th, 2010. I was kicked out on October 28th 2010.
Before I arrived I spent eight months in the application process where I had to read books and write a page or so on each book. The page I had to write was supposed to be about why this book was helpful, how I felt about what it was saying, and anything else related to the book. I also had check in phone calls every three weeks and they would tell me whether I was “ready” or not to be placed in a program.
The issues I applied to Mercy were: self harm, victim of sexual abuse, compulsive over eating disorder, bipolar disorder, and depression. I am also a lesbian so to them that needed to be “fixed too. I have always been content with my sexuality. I’m a girl that likes girls and I’m okay with that. They asked me a lot of questions about my sexuality. They always asked if I had a girl friend or if I had recently been sexually active with a girl. By the end of the application process I ended up just lying to them about my sexuality. I told them that yes I wanted to change and “become straight and normal” when in reality I did not want that at all. I also kept telling them that I didn’t have a girl friend and that I hadn’t been sexually active with a girl in awhile. Those two were huge lies. When I got accepted I actually did have a girl friend at the time and we were together through the time I was in the program and about six months after that. We are no longer together.
I arrived at the airport and was welcomed by what seemed like a nice caring woman. She drove me to the house. The house in California is pretty big. It has the capacity for 40 girls and I’m not sure on the number of staff. The house is two levels. Half of the rooms are upstairs and half of them are downstairs. There was a laundry room upstairs and one downstairs. You had assigned days and times to do your laundry and if you missed your time you were just out of luck. Downstairs includes: the living room, library, the dinning room and kitchen, the director (Cheryl Bangs) and other staff members offices, and the lobby. Upstairs includes: the med room, classroom, and “counselors” offices.
When I arrived at the home I was pretty much immediately welcomed by five girls and I could see a lot more looking from the living room and some down from upstairs. They were all nice but I just sensed something wasn’t right about them.
When we finally started going through my stuff I was told I wouldn’t be able to keep some stuff. I had a black tshirt with the nobodies symbol on it (nobodies from Kingdom Hearts ((the video game))). They made me tell them what the symbol was and when I did they told me that I could not keep that shirt. I also had some bands that I wore. They said: “The only exception” “Paramore” “Get Low” and “All Time Low.” They let me keep the first two but not the others. I also had another Kingdom Hearts tshirt that had the characters on it and they also took that from me. I had a dog tag necklace that also had some black brass knuckles on it and they told me that unless I could take the brass knuckles off of it then I couldn’t keep the necklace. So of course they took that. I also had a Fall Out Boy tshirt that they somehow missed and didn’t catch for about a week and then they took it from me.
For meals the kitchen crew for that week announced what we were having and what size portion of each thing we could have. All the food was organic. They also made us recite the scripture for the day and someone prayed. Once we got through the food line there was always a staff member there to check your plate to make sure you didn’t have too much or too little food. Then you could go eat. After you ate you had to show a staff member your plate so they could see that you ate everything and if you didn’t you had to force it down. It didn’t matter if you liked what we were eating or not you had to eat it.
Each morning we were to recite a list of scriptures aloud.
In my application process I was always told that the staff would be accepting of me and they would just try to help me. This was not the case. I was judged right from the start because of my sexuality and they continually told me that was wrong and I shouldn’t have those thoughts. I was told that homosexuality was a demon that needed to be cast out of my life. I was told that it was the devil trying to control me and lie to me.
I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome – BD) and have bad stomach problems so whenever I majorly change my diet my stomach stays upset. Switching from regular food to suddenly organic was horrible. I was sick every morning and I all the time asked for medicine. The staff all the time told me that I had to wait until the next med time to get any medicine. I guess they figured I was faking it because after the second time I asked to lay down because I didn’t feel good they wouldn’t let me. They told me I had to do everything that I was supposed to do and there was no exception.
At night whenever I couldn’t sleep or had a nightmare I would go to the staff and tell them to see if they could help. They always told me that the house is a battle field of spiritual warfare and it was just the devil attacking me and trying to lie and control me. They would pray with me and send me back to bed.
The first weekend I was there I actually got to meet Nancy Alcorn because we went to a Joyce Meyer conference there in Sacramento. Nancy went around and hugged everyone and she just put off this I’m such a nice person and I love you all vibe but I could tell there was something else there that wasn’t so nice.
In one of the night classes we had in the house (the series was entitled The Bait of Satin) the issue of homosexuality came up in the guys lesson. How all homosexuals are going to burn forever in hell and how they were horrible people. I just started to cry and had to leave the room. No staff member checked on me to talk to me about it. They just let me be.
One weekend my mother called and I got angry about what she had said. I went into my bathroom and punched the wall. I later told staff what I had done because I wanted to make sure I didn’t break my hand. They were more concerned about my anger issue than my hand.
Before the punching thing when Brittany first came into the home we immediately became friends. We were suite mates and shared a bathroom. Once the staff caught on that we were hanging out we were told that we could no longer talk until we hit our one month date and then we could talk. Brittany and I found ways to talk. We didn’t really care what Mercy said we were going to be friends. They eventually moved the house room assignments around so Brittany and I would no longer be in the next room from each other.
There was a girl there (I’ll call her Mary) that got kicked out a few days before I did. She had been there for eight or nine months and Mercy told her that she wasn’t accomplishing break through fast enough for them so she was kicked out. So apparently all the stuff they say about gods healing takes time is a complete lie. Because they cast Mary out for not being healed fast enough.
I had been on probation for about a week and a half when they called me in to the directors office and asked me about my sexuality. And I of course told them the truth that I thought it was something I was born with. Cheryl (the director) told me that I could not be a Christian and be gay. I told her that I know plenty of gays that are Christians. And she told me that I know a lot of people who have been deceived. She then told me that they were discharging me from the program and I would be on the next available flight home paid for by me of course.
After my meeting Brittany was called into the office and she was too told that she was being discharged. Brittany wasn’t warned or put on probation they just told her that she was being discharged.
Brittany and I still talk on a regular basis and she has become one of my best friends.
In my Mercy experience I was brain washed and told I had to be a certain way or I was going to hell.
…I just want to get this place shut down for good. I hope my story has helped. Liz
The Truth About Mercy
No Mercy
Mercy Survivors (excellent coverage of the Australia MM fiasco)
Mercy Ministries & Abuse
Sean the Blogonaut Mercy Ministry archives
Against Biblical Counselling Mercy Ministries archives – I recommend that parents and perspective MM clients take time to explore John’s sobering look at MM counselling materials.
BDBO Mercy Ministries archived posts
Once again you’ve demonstrated how vast the Christian world is and how little of it I know even after being in it for so long. Never heard of this group before – maybe because I live on the rim of the world but completely unaware it existed. It makes me fearful that there’s an iceberg out there somewhere and we’re overdue for a collision.
I would say that anyone hanging around the Todd Bentley,Pat Cocking,Faytene..etc…crowd could use this service!
Mercy Ministries sounds like Todd Bentley, Patricia King, Faytene Kryskow Grasseschi, Ed Rubuliak Moderator Worship Invasion.
Negative and narrow minded they are.
My way or the highway
My way is the only way
I’m right you’re not quite right
Be like me or get out
I had Faytene Kryskow say to me, “I rebuke you in the name of Jesus” is an oxymoron. This whole phrase contradicts itself.
Mercy Ministries sounds like this too.
These groups are contradictory oxymorons.
I’m just glad I got to meet Liz and now have her as an incredible friend in my life who’s not afraid to be real. As for Mary she’s a sweetheart who gave her all she was kicked out as mercy didn’t think she wasn’t progressing fast enough similar to myself . Since when did Jesus put a time frame on healing?
I went to Mercy and my experience was horrible as well. I went there for eating disorder, self injury, and abuse issues. They clearly didn’t know how to handle ptsd and verbally abusive toward me. They constantly told me that obesity was a sin and that I was in sin…
Hi Allie:
What country did you go to MM in? How long were you there? Did you complete the ‘program? What happened to you when you left?
How did it affect your understanding of God?
I lived in the Nashville home in 2001.
I’m currently in therapy today, but whenever the topic of “the time i lived in the trouble girl’s home” comes up in my therapy sessions I’m too afraid to tell my current therapist the name Mercy Ministries because I’m ashamed that I spent time in what I clearly (10 years later) consider a cult. He thinks it great that I had inpatient time to treat my eating disorder, but what he doesn’t know is in reality my eating disorder was never truly addressed. What I mean by that is- Yes, I did in fact stop throwing up- but the why of it all was never answered. My past wounds never healed. I was told it was caused by demons and that I had to pray them out, and when I had the urge to throw up it meant my faith wasn’t strong enough or i wouldn’t have those urges. I remember on 3 separate occasions I was told that during worship that if I had more faith i could become ‘slain in the spirit’ or ‘speak in tongues’ and they put a hand on my head and tried to push me onto the ground so i could be ‘overwhelmed with god’s love.” When I felt someone trying to push me to the ground I knew for the first time that what I thought had been spontaneous acts of worship/healing were in fact elaborate acts put on by the staff and many girls went along with it. I went back to my seat. I realized what they had been teaching and what I was hoping would heal me was in fact a lie…. No amount of wishing to a fictional god would heal you. 10 years later I’m in therapy three times a week and finding only an honest hard look at your past and learning how to make choices that can change your future is the only true healing I’ve found. Mercy is something I wish I could be honest about with my current therapist, but I know if I mention what kind of place it was then he will ask my a bunch of follow up questions that I’m still not ready to address about my time there. I feel like the time is coming soon to talk about it, but I’m just not there yet.
I lived there for 8 months.
I’m so sorry your hopes were dashed in the past. It takes courage to pick up and go back into therapy, and I wish you well. It is biblical and an act of love toward God and yourself to examine your life, and when trust is not shattered in a therapeutic relationship, you can heal. So much of what passes for spirituality (as you point out) such as falling down and speaking in tongues is about peer and authority expectations. God doesn’t expect those things from you. Thank you for your openess and honesty, good on you for doing the hard work, you are worth it.
Brianmpei says:
May 31, 2011 at 11:30 am
“Once again you’ve demonstrated how vast the Christian world is and how little of it I know even after being in it for so long.”
Christianity did not exist prior to around 2,000 years ago, Protestantism specifically did not exist until around 500 years ago. The beliefs of an Evangelical Protestant Christian today would clash completely with anyone living in the first 1500 years following the birth of Christ — or even with the founder of the protestant variation (Martin Luther) for that matter. Christians today would not be accepted into the early church.
Think of the sheer improbability of every single one of any one believer’s faith-based religious convictions being held simultaneously by any other believer, when so vast as are the possibilities, so vast the multitude of applications, that people have found for Christianity in the contemporary world. This is precisely what anyone who claims faith in the believability of these types of ideas is doing. Think for a second as to why there are 30,000 variations of Christianity worldwide.
All religions in their original forms, and the multitude of denominations, plus the extreme personal division of each specific religious belief, including Christianity, makes it entirely possible to suggest that every single person alive today, following just about any religion whatsoever, really follows their own religion. In other words – you are merely worshiping the person most important in your life – you.
Like it or not – MERCY MINISTRIES who decry any differing positions on the subject, are absolutely positive their norm of observance is correct. So are the 29,999 other variations.
I would suggest you abandon all religions and educate yourself on the foundations of Christianity – something few professing Christians ever have sense enough to do. Rather than drive people towards god, it will drive you away from any further control being exercised over you by a toxic religion.
The woman in the above u-tube dedicating the area almost looks and acts like Faytene Kryskow.
I’m under the impression that they are rather authoritarian and charismatic.
Are these people New Apostolic Reformation NAR?
They seem to have some kind of a fusion of conservative Christian views as well.
The name “benediction” suggests speaking well of others, and thus blessing them.
After reading the content and comments in your blog regarding Mercy Ministries I can only conclude that the blog name “benediction” is a definite misnomer. I suggest a change of name to the more accurate “malediction”. Bless you.
Thanks for your feedback Sinner/Saint. Like your nick.:^)
Is there anyway to get in touch with these girls? I was in the st. louis home and was also dismissed. I’ve also struggled with the way the program was run and years later still am dealing with it.
Hi Bethany:
http://thetruthaboutmercy.wordpress.com/contact-us/
We sent our daughter to Mercy Ministries in Lincoln CA last year for treatment of her eating disorder. We have lost our daughter because of the therapists at Mercy Ministries…she has cut off all contact with her family because her therapist practiced “recovered memory therapy”. and they got her to believe that she had been sexually abused which is a complete falsehood.
I wish we had never allowed her to go there, we sent her there in hopes that she could recover from her eating disorder…instead we have lost our daughter. It is criminal what these people have done to my daughter and to my family, and I’m willing to bet there are many others.
Russ, I am so sorry.
Russ
‘Recovered Memory Therapy’ ?
After reading this started thinking about Scientology Dianetics
Sounds like a kind of brainwashing
There has to be legally binding truths as to what she claims happened.
Devices such as lie detectors used by persons legally allowed to use them is a good way to bring out everything
Bene Diction….thank you for your kind words.
There has been no legal action, and even if there isn’t it would be a travesty for her to believe this happened to her for the rest of her life, it has to affect every fiber of your being if one truly believes this happened. There is hope through, I’ve read some anecdotal stories about some who made accusations based on this discredited recovery memory therapy and then later realized that these were not based on fact but on bad therapy (of course some of the unjustly accused were in prison for years before they made this realization). All I can do at this point is pray for her that she will realize what is true and what is not.
Russ,
I think I know who you are talking about. If it is who I’m thinking then she was my roommate for a little while. Was her name alicia?
I am a survivor of Mercy Ministries who was in the Sydney home for 12 months.
I have read many stories over the last five years that echo my own, and when I read them I feel shock and dismay, and grief for those continuing to be further damaged by this organisation.
My heart especially goes out to Russ who has been commenting. I had a similar experience at one point which involved someone in my family. I remain confused by this “real or imagined” incident and have since found it harder to trust my ability to hear from God.
Most of all, as someone who deeply values my relationship with God and having had to rebuild from the very foundations following my Mercy experience, I am devestated for those who were on their journey of faith and have believed the misrepresenations of God made to them by this organisation, resulting in them shying away from the faith and from God altogether.
Sarah of the Collage
Liz,
Yes, she is my daughter. Can you shed any light on her situation and what happened during her time at Mercy? Is there anything about her that you saw or heard from her when she was your roommate that could help us to understand how this has happened? We believe it is “false memory syndrome” because her first therapist told us my daughter had “recovered memories” of sexual abuse by 3 people from her school…then when she changed therapists the supposed “recovered memories” then expanded to be about me, her father. We only found this out by accident, she has never actually told us or accused me but we found out this is what she said in her testimony at her “graduation” from Mercy. We wanted to attend her graduation, but she implored us not too and now it makes sense why she did not want us to be there.
I have always been (and still am) proud of her, she’s always been a loving, wonderful daughter and this has completely blindsided me and our family. We pray for her every day, and want her to have a good life, one based on what is true rather than what is false.
I’m curious, what was your experience at Mercy like?
Sarah,
Thank you for your kind words, and I wish you well in your journey of faith. If we trust in God things will work out in the end, just not always on our timetable.
Russ,
If you want you can post your email and I will be happy to contact you and answer any questions you have. I don’t want to post my email here because I’m sure Mercy watches this site.
Hi Russ and Liz:
If you’d like to send me your email Russ, I’ll forward it to Liz and you won’t have to deal with possible spambots or Mercy.
Liz, is your email a working one?
Bene D,
Yes it is working. The same one that we originally talked on and I gave you my story. Please forward it to him. I agree it would be much safer. Thank you
Thank you, Liz and Bene D. If anyone else has anything they can tell me about their experience at Mercy (such as the kind of therapy they underwent or what the families are like that the girls go to after graduation) that might help in understanding where my daughter is at in her life right now, Bene D has permission to give you my email address.
I was a Mercy girl. Suffering from severe anorexia for 17 years now. My time spent at Mercy wasn’t awful but it also left me with regrets. Because now I know that the memories of the past were never true. The techniques used there led me to believe that I had repressed memories. They never dealt with my eating disorder as it was a non issue. Imagine that. I faked a divine healing in order to be the perfect person. I believe in God and I am a Christian but I’m not healed. I’m still very much a sick person. I’m not a success story. I’m a failure. Most staff and former residents are no longer there for me because of my failures. One of my friends also cut ties with her family and now has a “new” family.
through a lot of brainwashing, I believed I was ok. Was I taught how to deal with my Ed when life dealt me blows. No. I was told that as long as I stayed in God’s will, I would be fine. but if not that I was choosing to go back to anorexia and allowing Satan in. Now I’m full blown anorexic again. Seeking treatment again. I have nothing but remorse and guilt for not being the perfect Mercy grad. For if I sought them out through transitional care, I would be told to pray and renew my mind. I have prayed. I have tried to speak truth. It hasn’t worked. Mercy didn’t work for me. Yes I completed the program but I really had no choice. I was on the brink of death and at least Mercy saved me nutritionally but that’s all I can give them.
Still suffering,
I’m very sorry to hear what you’ve been through, and I’m afraid our daughter has had a similar experience but doesn’t realize it yet. It’s very difficult being a father who finds out your daughter gave testimony at her graduation from Mercy that she was sexually abused by you, when you know it is false and she never even accused you to your face (we found out her testimony by chance, and we haven’t been able to speak with her because she cut off all contact).
How long did it take you to realize that your “repressed memories” were not real? Have you been able to keep/restore your relationship with your family?
We just pray that it won’t take my daughter years to realize that none of it was true, and that the eating disorder (that we sent her there to have treated but instead was instilled with lies, brainwashing and just plain bad therapy) won’t kill her. We do have hope for the future though, it seems a large majority of women/girls who have these “recovered memories” eventually realize none of it was true and the relationship can eventually be restored. I pray that you will be healed and can eventually lead a healthy life free from remorse and guilt. The real remorse and guilt should be felt by those at Mercy who are responsible, and they will have to answer to God for all the devastation that they have caused you, my daughter, other girls and their families.
Still suffering…one more thing….you are not a failure. Mercy failed, their bad therapy failed you. You are successful because you have helped me and my family by speaking the truth and giving insight as to what Mercy is all about and how this could have happened to our daughter. Thank you!
Still Suffering,
I’m here for you if you ever need anyone to talk to. If you contact Bene D, he can pass you along my email address. I check my email at least once a day. You are not a failure. Mercy was the failure. Keep your head up.
Liz
Still suffering, I’m curious how long it took you to realize that the memories weren’t true? How did it come about that you realized this?
I was just made aware of the story in the link below today by the director of the Emily Program (who gives reputable treatment of eating disorders and where my daughter was receiving therapy from here in MN before she left to go to Mercy).
This sounds eerily similar to Alicia’s situation and what’s been happening with other girls at Mercy. Hopefully there will be enough publicity about this case to prevent cases like my daughter’s, this girl’s and others (as well as their families) from happening ever again and that if these places are going to stay in business they will change their therapy techniques and cult-like atmosphere.
http://abcnews.go.com/US/therapist-accused-implanting-satanic-memories/story?id=15043529#.TyMNd8VAbNU
This Missouri case isn’t unlike the Bennett Braun situation (http://www.illinoisfms.org/Braun.html) and a recent case in the UK.
Seeking out a reputable therapist is so critical.
What’s so bad about Mercy? Try having your daughter attempt suicide and you not finding out about it until a few months later when the ER bill arrived….try being told by Mercy “It was her responsibility to tell you, not ours.”
Russ
We are going through a similar situation with our daughter – also a victim of Mercy’s misrepresentation. She has cut off all ties to us and is still in “counseling” with Mercy but no longer living in the Mercy House. We are praying to get her back but would like to see the facility closed completely.
Lynn
Thank you for this blog entry and for everyone who has commented.
I was looking at this place as a place to go for help and you guys really shed the light on what I thought it would be like.
I definitively would’ve gotten kicked out of there haha
(On a side note, if you any of you know of any residential cares that aren’t religious based and are low-cost, please comment back. I’m trying to find one worth giving a shot at.)
As parents, my husband’s and my experience has been much like Russ and Lynn are experiencing. The allegation that my husband molested her at 3 years old (no!!!) and that I abused her all her life (physically & emotionally)..(no!!!). Other things were alleged at other people .. so many things we know not to be true or the contradictions make them so obviously untrue. False memory syndrome? We still have contact with her but it’s minimal. She has realized that her father never harmed her but still stands by her belief that I abused her. This nightmare seems never-ending. Our hearts grieve for our daughter and long for restoration. Russ, I believe I may have met your daughter last June. Benediction, if you’d like to give Russ and Lynn my email address, I’m open to that.
I am a “retracter”, dealing with false memories, as a result of five years of therapy. I lived in a ministry house in Daytona Beach Florida, with Pastors Rodney and Kathy Tolleson, who have sense liquidated all of their church property, and now own a motorcycle business called “Roar Motorcycles for Woman”.
The Tollesons are a part of the bigger picture. Mercy Ministries only form of counsel is “Restoring the Foundations”, which is a “Christian International” supported program. (Bill and Evalyn Hammon’s church) Kathy Tolleson has taken this method of counsel, and created “Restoring Sexuality”. John and Paula Sanford were the original pioneers of this method of ministry.
Living with the Tollesons was an unbearable experience. Kathy and I butted heads regularly. Kathy “assigned” counselors to me, so she wouldn’t ever have to provide pastoral care while I was living in her “private home”. My counselors were Kathy’s Niece (who lived in the home with us) and Kathy’s oldest daughter. I was forced to counsel with Kathy’s niece anytime Kathy’s niece felt like counseling me. When I “rebelled” I was rejected by the entire house. Being the only non related member of the house, and the only person in the ministry who did not have access to a Christian family, there approval or rejection could either validate or crush me. I was 19 at the time.
In 2005, I asked that Kathy remove her niece as my counselor. Kathy’s niece was obviously obsessed with me, and I was starting to think that she was sexually attracted to me. Instead of confronting the fact that her niece was harassing me, and invading my privacy, Kathy Diagnosed me with Dissociatiative Identity Disorder. I did not believe this diagnosis, but after many coercive counseling techniques, I not only believed my memories, but also lived in a regular dissociative state.
In 2006, both of my counselors started recovering false memories of their own. They were sent to other “Restoring the Foundation” counselors who had prior experience with “repressed memory therapy”. It was then when Kathy’s niece confessed to having sexual fantasies about me. Kathy’s son in law who lived in the house, and was the youth pastor, had an affair with a girl my age. He was sent away to another counseling ministry within the “Christian International” family.
I never got any better, in fact, I started taking lethal doses of pain killers. Kathy convinced me to go to Mercy Ministries. I had to get a pap smear for the application process. I had never had one before and because of the false memories of gruesome rape, I believed that I was enshrouded with scar tissue. The night before my appointment I had a complete nervous breakdown. I cut my arm over 50 times. I told Kathy that I was having a hard time. In response she ordered the house to ignore me because I was attention seeking. I borrowed my counselors phone to call my Mother in N.Y., and asked her to please come get me. My Mother confronted Kathy over the phone. Kathy’s told my mother than she didn’t know who I was. My Mother frantically looked for plane tickets, verifying that this was not normal behavior for me. Kathy yelled at my counselor for lending me her phone. I defended my counselor, and told everyone that I was leaving the home, and the ministry. Kathy grabbed my mutilated arm, dragged me up a flight of stairs, and locked me in my bedroom. When I tried to leave, she had her son in law stand in front of the door. They called my mother and told her that I was “all better, and sleeping, and that I was nervous about my gynecological appointment”. The next morning, Kathy and her daughter took me to my appointment, and stood in the room with me praying in tongues. I cried the whole time, reliving nightmares of false memory flashbacks.
I was sent to Nashville early, saying that God would open the doors for me, and Mercy would except me. All of my belongings were left in Florida. Mercy contacted me and told me that I wouldn’t be accepted into the program because they did not have counselors who could deal with D.I.D. patients. I wasn’t allowed to come home. I was told that I needed to fight this spiritual battle and get in the program.
Meanwhile, I worked for Emmylou Harris, and met Vince Gills backup singer, and main song writer. She got me to sing on her Mothers album. My counselors convinced me that I had created another alter personality who was a singer from Mississippi. I believed that I was disassociated and that the devil was luring me into the evil world of rock and roll, which is why I was now surrounded by celebrities. Imagine sitting on Vince Gills amplifier with Amy Grant, during mental health awareness benefit, thinking that this was my life now, because of Satan. I believed that God had placed an “anointing” on my voice, which was now being used by the devil. Naturally, this took many counseling sessions to convince me of.
I eventually threw in the towel, and decided to give up on Mercy Ministries. I was supposed to go back to Daytona Beach, after a long year of application mazes. Instead, Bekka Bramlett asked me to move in with her, and sing. I thought…no matter what I do, I will be subject to rejection and counsel when I get home, so I might as well plunge into the devils grip. No matter what, i would be subject to years of deliverance anyway.
In 2009 I was still convinced that I was living life as alter personalities, and needed my counselors. When I was contemplating moving back, I met my husband. He was my first sexual partner, has a 189 IQ, and is patient. He even went to Daytona with me to meet The Tollesons, and see where I had lived. He never pushed me into believing that I wasn’t D.I.D. or that I had been brainwashed. He just loved me. Last year, after Kathy, and my former counselor stayed in our house for our wedding, I had a realization. Kathy’s stories about me had changed, she was careful not to have any personal conversations about me. She only wanted to talk about her new business. She had dismissed the counseling ministry, and all of her D.I.D. patients. Then I started watching the “United States of Tara”. The realization hit me suddenly…it was kind of like…”Oh Shit…D.I.D. have similar stories, and personalities.” I started asking my Mother questions about the time I was babysat by my alleged abuser. I had been there less than a month, and I was four, not three. I had more false memories, than historical time to support the evidence. My 20′s, were destroyed by the dangerous doctrine of Kathy Tolleson and all of Christian International.
I am 28 now. Looking for a lawyer, and a counselor. Finding a counselor is nearly impossible for me, because I’m terrified. Literally.